you already died once (please god I can't lose you again)
by mellbell12123
Summary: Bellamy has listened to Clarke over the radio for over two years, unable to reply, until one day she doesn't say anything and Bellamy thinks the worst


**Author's notes** : I wrote this the hour after the finale ended soooo enjoy the pain of reliving their separation

* * *

It had been two years. Two years of being back on the ark. Two years of hearing Clarke's voice over the radio. And two years of not being able to reply back.

Bellamy and the rest of the gang were surviving. Surviving, but not really _living_. Being back on the ark brought back bad memories and only reminded them of how far they were from their loved ones. It was hard to feel alive when you didn't know if everybody you loved were dead or alive.

 _Primfaiya_ had come and gone. Earth looked completely wasted. They just sat there staring out the window trying to hope for the best.

The only thing that kept everyone going, especially Bellamy was hearing Clarke's voice everyday.

Clarke had made contact four days after Primfaiya.

Raven and Monty had boosted the power on the ark and everything had slowly crackled to life. After the power was restored, everybody went about fixing up the place to ensure it was in running condition.

Bellamy was fixing some wiring in the control room when a stray radio device crackled. Bellamy looked over at it with furrowed brows, but quickly turned back to his work figuring that it was nothing, _but then he heard a voice_.

"Hello."

Bellamy jumped and ran over to the device, grabbing it and messing around with the wiring to try and get the voice more clear.

"Bell-"

His heart jumped.

"Bell- Bellamy come in. Does anyone copy?"

Bellamy dropped the radio in shock. _It was Clarke_.

Her voice came through again and he flinched, dropping the radio to the ground.

"Hello? Does anyone copy?"

Bellamy dropped to the ground and scrambled to grab the radio.

"Clarke? Clarke! I'm here."

"Bellamy I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can, I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive. I've survived Primfaiya. I don't know how, but I'm still here."

"Clarke. Clarke. Please I'm here do you copy?"

But she continued as if she couldn't hear him.

Bellamy fussed with the radio trying over and over and over to fix it, but nothing worked.

He yelled in frusteration and shouted for the others, who quickly came running in.

"What?!" Raven panted.

Bellamy held out the device.

"Clarke." His voice cracked, " _It's Clarke_."

Everybody stared at him in disbelief.

"What that's not possible."

"Bellamy, she's dead."

"Primfaiya wiped out everything."

"Bellamy maybe you should sit down. You thought you heard her yesterday, but it wasn't her."

Bellamy snapped. "No. She's there. I heard her. I'm not hallucinating. She's there. Just listen."

And as if on command, Clarke's voice came through.

"Thought I would try again one last time today. I'll do this everyday. Hopefully I'll get through one day. I hope you are all alright."

Everybody's mouths dropped open.

Murphy smirked, "Well what do you know, she's still alive."

"Of course she is." Bellamy smiled.

Raven ran and grabbed the radio.

"It doesn't work. I've been trying to respond, but she can't hear me. Please. We can't lose Clarke. _We can't lose her_."

"I'll get it to work." Raven promised.

But they were never able to get it to work. Clarke spoke to them everyday.

 _Well to Bellamy mostly_.

He held onto that radio as if it was his lifeline. The first few weeks everybody would crowd around the radio and listen to Clarke, but as the months passed Bellamy was left alone to listen.

He wouldn't let the radio leave his sight. He didn't want to miss hearing her talk.

And she spoke everyday.

 _Until the day she didn't_.

Bellamy listened to Clarke speak for 2 full years. She never missed a day. Bellamy could tell she was slowly falling apart. _She was alone_. The only person she talked to was him. And he couldn't even respond.

It was a few weeks after the second year on the ark when it happened.

Everything on the ark was running smoothly. Power was strong. Air was fresh. Food was growing. And everybody was alive. Murphy and Emori were in their own little world together. Monty and Harper were sad, but tried to focus on each other. Echo enjoying her time on the ark, but she couldn't complain because she was alive.

Raven and Bellamy were living in pain. Neither had anyone to lean on and were so focused on getting back home to their family. They tried to lean on each other, but it just wasn't the same. So they spent most of their time fixing the ark and ensuring that everything would be ready in a few years to get home.

One night Bellamy was sitting in his room. It was late. He hadn't heard from Clarke yet, but he wasn't too worried. Sometimes she radioed late in the night.

However, the hours passed and passed and passed. And she didn't radio.

Bellamy grew worried and stared at the radio with apprehension. An hour later he was pacing his room and as the minutes ticked down to the next day he slammed his fists onto his table and slid them across throwing everything off with a loud bang.

He slid to the ground gripping his hair and breathing hard. He raised his head staring at the radio across the room. _It stayed silent_.

 _Clarke couldn't be dead_. She had survived this long. She just couldn't be.

Bellamy didn't sleep that night. He just sat there staying at the wall.

Clarke had died once. And then he got her back. Now she was gone again. There was no way she was coming back this time. The odds were stacked against him.

A few days ago he couldn't wait to get back down to Earth. To be reunited with Clarke. To hold her in his arms like he had done so long ago. But how could he go back now? Knowing that she wouldn't be there. That he wouldn't see her again. Or hold her again.

The day passed and Bellamy didn't move from the floor. He could hear everybody moving about on the ark, but nobody disturbed him.

The second day was drawing to a close when the radio sparked to life.

Bellamy raised his head slowly, not wanting to believe that it was actually making noise. He didn't know if he could trust his own mind.

" _Bellamy_."

Bellamy flinched back.

"Hey. It's me. Clarke. I'm sorry I didn't message yesterday. I….um a lot happened." She drew in a deep shaky breath, "I found a girl. And God, Bell she's so young and scared and alone, but she's a fighter. So strong and resilient. So full of life. She reminds me a lot of your sister."

Bellamy's breath caught in his throat thinking of his baby sister. Octavia was still trapped in the bunker with everybody else. He didn't know if they were still alive. If _she_ was still alive. But god, he hoped that she was. He needed her to be.

"I'm glad I have someone now. You all have each other up there. But I've been so alone. Now I have her. I'm going to train her and raise her. I can't wait for you to meet her one-day. I can't wait to see you one day. I miss you. All of you. I hope you're alright. Tell everyone I say hi and I'll message you tomorrow."

Bellamy felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his body. He could breathe again. He stood up slowly his shaking hand reaching out to grab the radio.

He laid on his bed and quickly fell off to sleep clutching the radio.

 _I can't wait to see you too_.


End file.
